The holy days are upon us. The next two months are filled with both religious and secular holidays—days designated to celebrate, reflect, respond, and gather with family, friends and communities of faith. The holidays can be times of great joy and renewal of mind, spirit and body. They can also—often at the same time—be sources of stress, sadness, and frustration. In my experience and research, I’ve found that being mindful of the stressors and sources of sadness and frustration allow me to deal more effectively—and healthily—with them, thus aiding the original intended enjoyment and renewal of the holiday.
A major source of sadness can be if a family member or close friend with whom one is accustomed to sharing the holiday is no longer around. This separation may be caused by divorce, illness, distance (such as being deployed in the military or a family member being far away and unable to come home due to financial constraints), or death. Each of these circumstances in itself is a source of grief and/or putting one in a state of unfamiliarity. Traditions build up around the holidays and become familiar and effective ways of connecting individuals to other people as well as to the Object of Faith around which the holiday is structured and for whom it was originally designated. Any of the sources of sadness listed above—and perhaps some that are not on the list—can interrupt the practice of the very traditions that help make these important and renewing connections. In some cases, individuals avoid celebrating at all due to the stressors involved. Taking charge of the unfamiliar can ease some of the stresses, help one acknowledge or honor the source of the grief and promote healing.
Be creative. Take a look at the way the holiday has been structured in the past and identify wherein the loss will be most keenly felt. Then restructure appropriately. The following are examples of how others have dealt creatively and effectively with some of the stressors:
• In the case of divorce, children may be away from one parent in order to spend time with the other. Plan ahead how that time will be spent in a healthy way and plan ahead—with the children’s input if they are old enough—for new traditions. For instance, one mother I know had found great joy in preparing and sharing traditional foods before and after Christmas Eve worship. Her teenage children were scheduled to spend Christmas Eve day and night with their father. She and the children sat down together ahead of time and identified what could be done to touch on each of the important aspects of the tradition. The teenagers identified the aspects of the celebration that were important to them also. The list they came up with included the following: gathering; opening gifts; sharing food; worship. They identified that mother and children would be together. Gifts would be given, although financial considerations dictated that they be more practical than perhaps they had been in the past. Menus were planned and excitement grew around making the Christmas breakfast—when they would first get together—a new tradition. They discussed the fact that their church did not have a service on Christmas day and they discussed attending another church service that day or setting aside a time during the day to have a home worship service with all the components of the communal one. While the day was different—and the fact of the divorce was not ignored—the family was able to celebrate together. The mother also planned ahead how to creatively and constructively spend the time that she had while her children were away from her.
• In the case of a loved one being unable to be with the group, arrange some type of communication that will include him/her for even a short time. It’s helpful when the group and the missing individual can find something to do in common at some point in the day. For instance, if one is deployed overseas, he/she can arrange with family to read a certain piece of scripture or look up at the sky at a certain point in the day, thus knowing that something has been shared. It will not be the same as being together, but it will ease the strain of being apart.
• In the case of a loved one’s death, remembrance and, hopefully, reminiscing with others who may be missing that person are important aspects of the celebration, especially on the first year of holidays following the death. Set aside a time during the day to personally or communally remember that individual and what he or she brought to celebrations in the past. If the deceased traditionally said the blessing and is no longer there to do so, acknowledge his/her gift of the past and the blessing that he/she has been to the group. Even if his/her role has not been such a formal one, those who are missing him/her can still contribute a “Remember when . . . “ that will affirm his/her place in and influence on the group gathered. The remembrances do not have to feel contrived or formalized. Looking at photos of past holidays can make this time of remembrance more natural. In my family, Thanksgiving is yet to go by that the conversation doesn’t start with a certain dear aunt and her particular spin on pumpkin pie. From there, the conversation flows to others with whom we have shared the holiday and are now departed. Shared laughter and tears are much more healing than suffering in the silence of thinking that you are the only one who misses the person absent.
These examples, I hope, will set the stage for you to ponder the upcoming holidays for you and those with whom you share them. Is some advance planning in order that can enhance the group’s experience of the holiday and make it the holy day it was intended to be? Don’t let loss, grief, or resentment keep you from truly celebrating holidays. Celebrating is a spiritual discipline that is so very important to emotional and spiritual health, and those of us involved in health care know how closely intertwined emotional, spiritual and physical health are. Happy Holidays! Be renewed, refreshed and enriched emotionally, spiritually and physically.
- Candace Stroup
Chaplain
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